In totally not-shocking news that completely reinforces my belief that corporate spokespersons are a total waste of a paycheck as their only job is to spew blatant lies- it is very likely that Mr. Tony Hayward will be removed as BP’s CEO after tonight’s board meeting, although it was just last week that the company said Tony was 100% staying on (if you believed that, I have a ton of shit I want to sell you).
What is really interesting is to wonder what it is like on the inside of the hallowed halls of the BP offices during these board meetings. Is it like Project Runway where the board discusses the strong and week points of Hayward and Dudley (the American most likely to take over). My idea is something like this:
Nina: “He looks good, his suits are very well proportioned. He really understands what is needed to take a good cover shot- close cropped and a play of color on the tie”.
Heidi: “Well yes, Nina, but he is B.O.R.I.N.G.- we have seen this all before”.
Michael: “Did you guys get his Christmas card with the bird? Genius.”
Guest judge Gov. Mark Sanford: “He misses his life? Tell me about it. At least I got some hot Argentinian ass en route to ruining my career and life”.
Heidi: “Do we all agree? Have we made a decision?”
Cut to commercial for twenty minutes and come back to Hayward and Dudley standing on a runway made of oil-slicked booms.
Heidi: “Tony, your strategy was good- make money and diminish all cautionary efforts to avoid ruining eco-systems and entire local economies. However, your lack of foresight and due diligence proved to be a major mistake which has positioned you as not only one of the most hated business men on a global platform, but also the butt of jokes for Ms. Chelsea Handler (not sure what is worse). So, do you stay and give it another go, or do you go and we put Dudley in to clean up your mess……………………. Tony, you’re out. Auf Wiedersehen“.
So, the Kluminator says Tony is out. But don’t feel so bad for him- I am sure there is a many financial institutions looking for soulless money making machines. Oh- cut to the Donald saying “Tony, you’re hired!”.
Tony Hayward IS the new reality television!