I knew this week would come, it was inevitable. Every three years, it rolls around making it seem like only days have passed since the last time. Yes folks, it is “I would like to formally announce my candidacy for President of the United States” time. Here come the dozens of self-important people trying to top one another in why there are THE person to bring back the ol’ glory to the US of A. So, lets take a look at the candidates (declared and likely to) for 2012:
Newt Gingrich, who is close to the biggest blow-hole I have come across in my life, announced his candidacy via Twitter and Facebook exclusively (how modern Newt). He is positioning himself as the person to “bring back hope”, much as the way Ronald Reagan did in his time. Well, lets see here. I imagine that in order to bring back “hope” (which by the way, Obama may have just done by getting Osama bin Laden, but, benefit of the doubt people), one must engage the disaffected demographic of voters, those who feel the current administration doesn’t care about them or their problems, or is simply unable to accomplish the task at hand. Good ol’ Newt, he apparently thinks his past experience makes him qualified. Thing is, the young constituency (generally the most apathetic and the key to many decisive victories) doesn’t give a crap about Newt. First because he is the old guy Mom used to bitch about because he keeps cheating on his wives with younger and blonder woman. Second, this guy hasn’t been relevant on the political scene in at least ten years (and that’s being generous) which if strategized correctly, may have been a good thing as it could have been used as a platform to introduced Newt 2012: Reloaded. However, apparently no one on Newt’s staff told him that Obama is the reining king of social media in Washington, thereby making Newt look like a dad who signed up for Facebook to look cool in front of his kids but achieved the opposite reaction….. mortification. . Sorry Newt, your future is not in the White House, but some random house in the country where all you have to do is look for your next affair.
Then we have the gem of Sarah Palin. Her best qualification is being a good shot. However, I do see if she were able to penetrate the anti-Obama group and somehow make her way to being the most powerful woman in the world ( not really, everyone knows that title belongs to Oprah, talk show or no), she could pick up the previous First Lady’s campaign of helping America’s kids achieve a healthier lifestyle. After all, caribou meat is very healthy, and she knows how to kill it in abundance in her home state of Alaska! So, she’ll get the gelatinous mystery meat out and caribou in the public school lunch program, and while she is at it, hire her daughter Bristol to run the whole shabang. After all, Bristol is a single mother of one (which make her qualified in nutrition for developing bodies and brains, doesn’t it?) who also suffered the ridicule of being the “fat one” on Dancing with the Stars. So she also understands the mental anguish of being overweight, and therefore, makes her uniquely qualified to take on the project. I mean really, doesn’t this girl just scream Lunch Lady?
Nepotism, let freedom ring!
Now, how about if we get Donald Trump? I for one want to start singing “I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free”, at even the thought that the Donald, who has perfected the combover and oompla loompa orange color (he happens to be Pippa’s stylist if you didn’t know), might become the leader of the free world. I mean this man has vision. While the current President was authorizing and overseeing a near perfect raid to execute the world’s most wanted man, Trump was challenging said President’s nationality (so three years ago Donald). Yep, he gets the big picture for sure. However, no one can say that the White House wouldn’t continue to be a fashion inspiration for many if the Trumps were to take over 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Just imagine, President Trump could make every Tuesday, 20% and no tax on his menswear and home collections available exclusively at Macy’s. Maybe each American could get a Happy Holidays from the President of the United States card and it would look like this:
Sign me up.
Finally, the only person who may make Sarah Palin seem overqualified to run for the Presidency is her fellow Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann from Minnesota. As a third-term congresswoman she has arranged a few leaks to the media about forming a presidential exploratory committee. She hasn’t made a definitive statement thus far, but if she chooses to move forward, we might be in for a looong few months of statements like these:
Clearly, no expense was paid to ensure the facts of this statement were correct, or even possible. Want another? Why not.
Surely there aren’t a thousand scientists out there who believe in intelligent design so it is good she cleared that up. This woman might even make George W. Bush seem smart, but, I bet she can rattle off the names of a few newspapers she reads on her Kindle (of course).
So, after this short list of Republicans (I promise to be equally fair to the remaining candidates to be covered in parts 2 and 3), I haven’t found a reason why I want to trade in these guys: